Erasing Your Trace

This is the last news about my crush on this guy that I told you guys in tha last 2 previous posts. Hmm, I finally told him that I like him. Well, not xactly told him directly, I wrote him a letter. A long letter which took me a couple of nights to compose it. The content is.... secreeettt!!

He didn't call me or text me at all after that. Probably he's busy. Well, unfortunately I saw him everywhere. Like the day after I gave him the letter. I saw him in the city, everywhere I go.. When I was walking to the toilet, walking to the bus stop and after I finished work which was 4 hours later, when I was on the bus going home, we happened to be on the same bus. I'm not sure if he saw me that time. Well, he might saw me but didn't know what to say. Same like me, full of questions right now, I wanted to talk to him, just to say goodbye to him properly and be friends like we used to be. But I don't know whether he still wants to be friends with me or not! That's why I didn't yell out his name.

Anyway he's leaving today. He probably on his flight back home now. So I guess it's time to say goodbye. I don't regret of what I did. At least I'm brave enough to say what I need to say. Just hoping what's best for him. So good byee....

*Well yesterday I was browsing on youtube.com and I found this new Indonesian Song. I translated the lyrics for you guys. I embeded the video klip as well. I just thought, it's one of the best heartbroken songs. I have to keep remember that life goes on...

Menghapus Jejakmu (Erasing Your Trace) - Peter Pan

Terus melangkah melupakanmu
Keep moving on, forgetting you

Lelah hati perhatikan sikapmu
My heart tired of the way you behave

Jalan pikiranmu buatku m'ragu
The way you think makes me uncertain

Tak mungkin ini tetap bertahan
This is impossibble to keep going on


Perlahan mimpi terasa mengganggu
Slowly dream feels disturbing

Kucoba untuk terus menjauh
I'm trying to keep distant

Perlahan hatiku terbelenggu
Slowly my heart chained

Kucoba untuk lanjutkan hidup
I'm trying to continue my life


Engkau bukanlah segalaku
You're not my everything

Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku
Not a place for me to hold my steps

Sesudah s'mua berlalu
When things all over

Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu
Let the rain erasing your trace.


Lepaskan segalanya..
Let go everything..

Lepaskan segalanya..
Let go everything..

life goes on..

It's been almost a week since the last news of my broken heart. It's still broken but I feel better now. A couple of days ago, I was no different with zombie. Before I went to sleep I always stared outside the window before I closed my eyes. After I woke up the next morning, I stared outside the window again. I kept staring empty at so many things for those couple of days. I even stared empty at my most favorite delicious food in the world which I usually stared at it with excitement!

After those 2 days, I realised something. I had a few broken hearts moment before, this is not my first time. Even I already had the worst one. But no matter how broke my heart is, the world is still rotating normally. The sun still shines so brightly each morning. Everything still goes on normally. I'm just like a little tiny part of all this gorgeous massive creation.

Even though I feels like shit and don't want to do anything at the moment, but I can’t avoid the fact that I still got other things to do, whether I like it or not. I still have to work to make a living, I still have to study, to continue doing my short film project, and I also still have other internal problems and issues. My dreams still there, are waiting for me to catch them. Life doesn't stop just because of broken heart. Life goes on...

So I reminisced my past, whatever problems I had, no matter how hard it was or no matter how hurt I was, I, somehow, always could manage to get out of the troubles. I always could get up and stand up once again. That's why this time, I have to get up and pull myself together, find a way to keep moving forward, follows the flow of life while finding my own happy ending. I will do well! Gue pasti bisa! 나 잘할게!

just another broken heart story

It's been an hour I only stared at my laptop's screen before I actually start writting this post. Staring empty, tried to think but I don't even know what I was trying to think. Just a few hours ago, somebody broke my heart. Somehow that person reminds me how it feels like to be broken hearted. Ironically, a few months ago that person reminded me how it feels like to like someone. To feel happy and excited when somebody call you. Feelings that I already completely forgot.

That person didn't know that that he actually just broke my heart. And again it's my fault because I was thinking too much and too long before I finally decided that I'm going to tell him that I like him and I thought he like me too. But a few hours ago he told me (because we're friends) that he already had someone, they just start going out. It makes me feel sad. I should've listened to what John Mayer told us : "Say what you need to say! .. better to say too much than never to say what you need to say!..". Dammiitt!! T_T If only I could turn back time but what's done is done.

I just realise that broken heart can actually make your entire system disable. Alright not entirely but most of your system, like what I just did, stared at the laptop's screen for an hour, trying to think but can think. It's like I have a brain damage or something *touch wood*. Ooo, I think it can make you become fat as well, cause everytime I start to think, I always end up thinking about doughnuts. T_T Haaahh, I hate this kind of feeling. Helpless, don't know what to do, always stare empty at something without even realising it.

My friend told me to keep going. I mean, don't step back and stay to my decission of telling him that I like him. But what if his gf find out? I don't want to have an armed jealous girl chasing me around and ready to stab me whenever she sees me. But in the other hand, maybe I would be able to move on faster after I released all those feeling by telling him the truth. I just need to ask him to keep this as a secret from his gf? nice idea, ay?

Aaaarrhhh, confused. What should I do guys?? I'm just gonna take a walk and think. I hope I would be able to think and find the answer. Haaahhh, staring outside the window again. Why the world is still so beautiful even when my heart is broken? I better grab some more ice cream.

Note : Yea, I know John! I should've listened to you.. (My friend kept singing John Mayer's Say in the next room... T_T)

help myself with helping people help themselves

Remember when I told you in the last 2 post before this, about the lady that selling Big Issue magazines? Well, I saw her again a few days ago. I was walking back to the bus station from my work place and there she was, selling the magazines at the same spot when I saw her before. As my promise before, I bought a magazine from her. She was so happy when I told her that I want to buy the magazine. She said to me, "I love you too!". Maybe that 5 bucks will really help her. Well, it's not much but I hope it will.

I helped her help herself. No, I actually helped myself too, despite of helping that lady is a right or wrong thing, despite of what people thought about me that time. I stopped the argument inside my head and I did the thing that makes me feel comfortable inside. And the most important thing is I did what myself wanted to do.

It's okay to be full of yourself sometimes..

It's okay to be full of yourself sometimes. Every human needs time to think only about themselves sometimes. To whinge about whatever they don't like sometimes. To complain about several things that we resent sometimes. That's completely alright. I don't see any problems with that. We are only human, being selfish is our nature. We just need to control our 'selfishness'. Let it loose once in a while, it won't hurt anyone. Even though it ends up hurting somebody, it's better than hurt yourself.

Yes, I am selfish, who doesn't anyway. Like recently, I'm so full of myself. But it doesn't mean that I'm whingeing and complaining about my life. I'm just feeling angry and in a very bad mood, I just don't know why. I thought I could get a support from my close friends. Especially, my best friend who used to be someone that I could talk to, someone that could make me feel better when I'm in a bad mood without give me any judgement, someone who could say that everything is going to be alright. But yet, all I got is disappointment.

Yes, I am in a bad mood. People who are in bad mood only talk about their shits and I guess that's a normal thing. What's wrong with people talking about their shits sometimes? Even though we realise that there are so many people out there who are suffering more than us and they might face a bigger problem than just having a normal bad mood or failing in a test. And my friends told me to pull myself together as if I'm complaining about my life everyday.

I don't need judgement, not even an answer. Answer is my own issue that need to be resolved by myself. Did i ever judge you or did I ever ignore you when you guys told me about your shits? or when you complaining about this and that?

No, I don't feel guilty to be full of myself. Because there's one thing that you guys should realise, my self control would never solve the famine problem in Africa, it would neither stop the war in the middle east. You might make me silent by telling me about others problems which might be bigger than mine. But you do not resolve their problem by telling me that, nor even resolve mine or yours. Don't ever tell me that I'm ungrateful. I might be greedy but I'm not an ungrateful person.

So it's okay to be full of yourself sometimes, to have a bad mood, to be selfish, to complain and whinge or to be angry without any causes once in a while. There are times to be emphatic and sympathetic to others. But we can't avoid the fact that we need some time for ourselves, the fact that we too, needs a little attention and support from others.

Thanks to my housemate who shares the same opinion as mine. Thanks to my other friends who finally gave me that support. And for my 'close friends', thanks for your 'support' which led me to find this opinion of mine.